LeishBlog

Well for starters thanks for your messages and well wishes but  I am not a manic depressive, although today I did have a post depressing day hangover. I was sitting at my undistinguished and boring desk and I said to Ben who just happens to sit 3 feet away….

“Geeze I feel morbidly depressed”

He aptly replied..

“Don’t let that get you down”

Bless him I haven’t belly laughed like that in weeks.

We are pretty naughty at work. We spend a lot of time in on the ’secret computer’ the only computer on our entire level of the building that isn’t myspace blocked. I usually point out to Ben that I have written a new blog that includes him and we spend the next hour deconstructing it, while pretending to work. Ben usually says…”I didn’t say it like that that!!!” And then we argue a bit (we will argue about this tomorrow by the way!) and then have a laugh at us not picking up at the weekend and us looking like a couple and the only thing that we have in common is that we both like cock ( see previous blog) That is bound to get us both in trouble….Dad if you are reading this I didn’t write that.

At work I use the George Costanza method. Looking stressed and annoyed all of the time and hopefully people leave me alone. It usually works.

This afternoon I had coffee with my good mate Positive Simone. She is wonderful and always makes me see the positive side of things. Simone told me a fabulous story about a guy in Sydney there is 1 car park for every 23,000 people. In Simone’s area there is I street that has all day parking. In this particular street one home owner, instead of parking in his driveway chooses to use traffic cones to block off the area in front of his house to make sure he has prime parking. (loser). One day Simone decides to move one of his precious traffic cones and park her car in  front of his house (public property)  All appears to be fine when she picks up her car at the end of the day. …Well that’s what she thinks until Simone her husband and her Brother and Sister in law where on a road trip and could smell the string odour of dog shit. After checking their shoes they discovers that doggy faeces has been smeared all over the air-conditioning vents of the car. Gee I wonder who did that? Being a tough straight talking gal, Simone approaches the traffic cone dude and threatens to go to the cops the next time he goes near her car. The next day the traffic cones are removed and Simone becomes the hero of our story!!! Yay for you Simone . You Rock for standing up to traffic cone man what an A hole. (And for cheering me up with a milkshake this arvo!!)   

I am excited this week because we are having the lovely Richard E Grant visit us in the studio and I have the pleasure of seeing Mr Grant (with Flat mate Mick who no longer thinks I am mental…well maybe a bit less mental than yesterday) at the Opera House on Thursday.

I am taking everything Richard E Grantish in the house to be signed and I am going to make a concerted effort not to gush or be too fanish. Yeah right. I always fail dismally.

“Hello Richard I think you are the best…you are wonderful I um am a big fan and you know you rock and stuff”

SHUT UP ALEISHA!

I seem to misplace all sense of education and have the vocabulary of a stoke victim when it comes to meeting people I admire (very un PC Sorry to stroke victims.)

Today I cracked the 500 blog views so thanks for that…that’s 500 people reading my inane views and opinions! Yay for you. You have put a smile on my dial.

Tonight I downloaded Rick Springfield’s Jessie’s Girl. It rocks. I want to be someone’s Jessie girl….oh dear here we go again. Another teary.

Yesterday I went to a very swanky art gallery in Paddington to see a friend, James’ exhibition. I hadn’t seen James in 14 years. We went to primary school together. I haven’t really had much to do with the world of art before. I think I know what I like when it comes to art but can I provide a valid reason? Who knows. Anyway. When I walked into the gallery, James said,

“Leisha I knew it was you, you’ve hardly changed”.

This scared me a bit because looking back on my primary school mug shots I was a pale, fat kid with a pretty bad sense of style…hello bright blue headbands and scrunchies!

I watched James’ video project and then we all sat down in a minimalistic room to hear the artists speak about their work. Now like comedy, I believe art appreciation is purely up to the individual. The three artists were all very different. The first artist used the term ‘transcend’ a bit too much, so much do I think there as a sentence that went something like

‘In creating this piece I transcended through the special barriers of time. Time transcends everything. It is untranscendable.’

He is an artist so he can invent ludicrous words.   

At film school in our film theory class we had regular bet to see which wanker would use the term ‘organic’ fist. It was always a directing student and they were always referring to some obscure art house film produced in Berlin, that had only been screened twice in Australia.

‘Yes I thought The Pianist was an involving and emotive film, but it really didn’t capture the grit and suffering that Das Leiden…for those who don’t know German… suffering represented…it was such an organic film….”

Fuck off.

We would then follow the Das Leiden comment up with something about Wayne’s World or The Princess Bride, just to piss the directing students off.

After the show I talked to one of the guys that worked at the gallery, he was nice. I told him that I had no idea what you are supposed to say when looking at art and he happily informed me that the best three things to say when commenting on art are ‘fucking, wonderful, darling’. He guaranteed that by using these words, you couldn’t go wrong. I had a lovely chat to him and talked to me about some of the pieces that they wee selling at the gallery. I was quite surprised when he said one of the photos that I said was ‘cool’ was being sold for $25,000 US wozers. I should blow up some of these shots and see if the gallery will take them.

After that I met up with Ben and we had Thai…it was mediocre and when Ben ordered a Stella, the lady kept thinking that he was saying Sarah, so we were half expecting some blonde prostitute to turn up at the table to service us!

We were both quite excited because Ben had scored some tickets (free of course) to see Barry Humphries latest gig. I think Barry is marvellous. So vivacious and clever especially for and ol chap, but after such a big build up the gig didn’t really hit the mark for me. I don’t know whether Barry was having a bung night or if it was the silver haired crowd that had to comment out loud about every bloody thing that Barry did (very irritating).

I have never left a show before at half time (except a high school rock musical that made my ears bleed) but Ben and I decided that the first hour and a half of Dame Edna and her crew was enough for us.

We decided to walk the 50kms from the theatre to the Opera Bar. When stopped by the Orbit Lounge on the way.

Amazing view with an elevated price list (of course). We did a walk around, our ears popped and moved on.

By this stage I had been wearing a skirt and boots for 9 hours ( a record for me). My feet were killing me but we were determined to have a drink and we finally made it to the Opera Bar. Ben was put out a bit because it is a decidedly straight bar. We both sat down exhausted and realised that we were surrounded by pashing couples, flirting people and hot guys, boo hoo.

We have come to the sad conclusion that we look like a couple which is a problem. We decided that in order for people to realise that I am a fag hag, Ben should act more feminine, such as sticking his pinkie finger our when holding a drink and also he should ditch the beers  and drink more poofy drinks that are brightly coloured. In turn I will ogle in a more obvious manner. Even with these changes we still look like a couple…a troubled one at that but still a couple.

Oh dear.

The final straw for the night  

Was when Ben said that we were acting like the two old guys from the muppets, complaining about our lives and hating everyone that was happy (I don’t by the way, I am just bitter!)

I had a pretty miserable afternoon today crying sporadically and freaking out housemate Mick. I think that he probably thinks that I am either on drugs or that I am mental but I am just depressed and uninspired. I keep telling myself….something good is going to happen today…look for the positives….that’s what I keep telling myself anyway.

On that cheery note au revoir.

Well I haven’t done the blog thing in a while. I am sure none of you have noticed, but bugger it I am going to start again anyway, so the three people that read it, can saviour in the lows and highs of Aleisha’s life…I have noticed a pattern lately in people telling me to ’shut up’. Now this isn’t a casual friendly, ‘oh Aleisha you are silly… shut up!’ sort of comment, this is a real request for me to cease talking! (I know, shocking)On Friday night I was playing pool in a club, (badly) and generating a bit of a running commentary of my complete lack of skills in the game. We were playing against some dudes and one of them, who had questionable facial hair, said to me after I took my shot, ‘Look, you are very pretty, but just shut up!’. While saying this he motioned to zip my lips.  

Understandably I thought this guy was a twat. Even in my current state of aspiring for the attention from the opposite sex, I couldn’t ignore the “but just shut up” bit. After I berated him for being a tool, his mate, who was standing by obviously relishing watching his facial hair dude being verbally spanked by me, promptly asked me out ‘for dinner and to teach me how to play pool properly’. As charming and moderately patronizing as that sounded he crashed and burned when he commented on my footwear…(converse) saying that they were ugly. No he can just fuck off. No dinner for him.                                                     Another incident I was reminded of by my flat mate Sarah, was when a work colleague shooshed me a couple of months ago. I wasn’t being a loud mouth. Just going about my normal work, but apparently he was of the idea, it wasn’t my time for talking and he found it necessary to draw attention to that in front of the work group by pointing at me and making a ridiculous ’shooooosh’ noise. Why? Because it made him feel a little bit special and superior. Whoopy doo.I am off to Tassie tonight. Yes, I seem to go back there a lot but I went through a phase during my mild break down time, having just moved to Sydney, where I thought racking up a couple of grand worth of trips home, would make me feel better. Looking at it now, it is nice to go home and have a decent feed but I am questioning the need to return so often….You know you aren’t as missed when you run into people in ‘town’ (Hobartian for the city) and they say nonchalantly ‘oh, you back again?’. ‘Yes I am back and yes I am freezing my arse off  but mmmm smell the clean air! See ya’ is how I usually reply. Hobart is one of those places where you are guaranteed to run into most people that you have had dealings with throughout you entire life, and that’s just on the way down to the shops to get some milk. Last time I was there one of my friends likened a walk through Salamanca markets like a bad version of a Christmas carol, walking through our lives…  We ran into ex boyfriend from high school, still dreamy, then ex fiancées parents, still uncomfortable, then old teacher, still balding, then girl from uni who I never remember name, still unmemorable, and that was all within about 8 steps of each other. My friend in the end suggested we avoid the market and therefore avoid the misery and uncomfortable pauses of having to speak to most of our exes and their families. Ohhhh the mystery of who I will meet tomorrow????I am sure you will be sitting by your computer’s just waiting to hear.   I’m getting off my high horse now because I have nasty saddle rash.Over and outLieutenant LeishaWATCH RAW COMEDY NATIONAL FINAL MAY 17^th 9.30 PM ABC TV